Welcome to my blog post. For this assignment, we were to read A Fable for the Living by Kevin Brockmeier and write a letter to our author selves. A Fable for the Living tells the story of communication via letters to someone who is not actually there. I, too, will try to reap the benefits of writing a letter for the sake of myself.
Dear Impulse, It’s been a while, huh? I mean, I’ve done writing for school, you haven’t been totally distant, but we haven’t really… connected in a while. Not the way we used to. In the past, I wrote to work through my feelings. You brought me a lot of comfort through that. I’ve said quite often that I miss you, but it’s really true. I was so harsh on you and it’s made me scared to come back to you. I have open the last thing you wrote for yourself now. In it, you wrote of a relationship that was like the sea crashing against rocks. I want that to be us again. I will be the force that pushes against you, a constant, and I will shape you. My life experiences will soften your edges. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to get swept up in each other again? I do. I really do. Let’s find each other again, okay? I know it will be hard and take a lot of effort on my part, but I really want this. And I hope you do too. I really think I need you right now, with everything going on. What I need to do is stop hesitating, to stop making excuses to avoid you. I named you after my favorite superhero, Impulse. He doesn’t think, he just acts. I’m a lot like him in a lot of ways, but overthinking is something that gets in my way a lot. I need to stop overthinking things and just WRITE. Just put words down. I can fix them later. We need a plan going forward. I’m not good at making plans and tend to be worse at sticking to them, but I really think you’re worth it. First off, we’re gonna set aside at least half an hour to write every day. Even if we only get a few words down on day, that’s fine. We tried and there’s always tomorrow. Hopefully, we’ll improve and be able to continue longer. Secondly, we are going to ask for help. We need to stop running from the people who are here to help us, we need to stop carrying our burdens alone. We KNOW that it has never done us any good to avoid our problems. Even if the help we need is to just ask someone to make sure we are spending our half our together, then we should do it. We are not as alone as we think we are. Lastly, and this one is just on me, I’m going to stop being embarrassed by you. I’m going to stop being afraid to look at my own writing again. I’m not going to be afraid to show it to others. And if I am afraid? I’m going to do it anyway. No one grows through inaction. We’ve got this. Sincerely, Nate
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Introduction with links:
Hello, my first blog post will allow you to get to know me better through the Proust Questionnaire. The Proust Questionnaire was made popular by Marcel Proust, a French writer from the late 1800s/early 1900s. It was popularized as a parlor game, with the belief that answering these questions will reveal one’s true self.
__1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness? My idea of perfect happiness is where I generally feel safe. I struggle with paranoia sometimes, so to just make it through most days without feeling unsettled or scared for no real reason would be ideal. __2.__What is your greatest fear? My biggest fear is pregnancy, especially in regards to myself. The idea of other being pregnant is genuinely terrifying to me. This is likely due to trouble my mom has had with pregnancy, but it’s gotten so bad over the years that I now struggle to even look at pregnant people. __3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? The thing I hate most about myself is my difficulty to do things. This includes things I don’t enjoy, like working, but also things I do like. I will struggle a lot to do anything at all, and it is an incredibly frustrating feeling. __4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others? Something I can’t stand in other people is a refusal to admit they are wrong. I understand that this is hard to do, I myself struggle with it at times, but when people will not allow themselves to grow out of stubbornness, it really bothers me. __5.__Which living person do you most admire? My best friend, June. I have known them for around 6 years and through this time I have seen them go through so much. They are someone who has struggled greatly, but always tries to be positive and be there for other people. They are incredibly brave and I wish this world was kinder to them. __6.__What is your greatest extravagance? I treat myself when it comes to my hobbies a lot. I try to be a bit productive with my spending on hobbies, such as commissioning art of things I like from my friends, but I still am weak when it comes to buying things like video games and merch. __7.__What is your current state of mind? I’m unable to think of any answer other than “empty”, so I guess that? Empty except for the word empty. __8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue? I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily overrated, but the way people uphold empathy gets on my nerves at times. I myself am a highly empathetic person and do believe it is an important thing, but the way people act about it is hypocritical. Experiencing empathy does not mean much when your actions are still cruel. On the flipside, many neurodivergent people can’t experience empathy, but that doesn’t make them automatically a good person. One’s actions are what’s important. __9.__On what occasion do you lie? I think I most commonly lie when I’m asked if I need help. I tend to try to take on things myself and will often claim to be fine when I’m very much not. __10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance? My baby face combined with my height. People often think I’m much younger than I am and it’s super embarrassing. It feels like I can’t be taken seriously as an adult because of how I look. __11.__Which living person do you most despise? I can’t think of a specific person, but I can’t stand billionaires. There’s no way to make that much money without hurting and using a lot of people along the way. There are so many issues in this world that could be solved with their money, but they refuse to truly help. __12.__What is the quality you most like in a man? __13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman? __14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse? I’m not special in my overuse of the word “like”. I often use it as a placeholder word as I stumble to gather my thoughts, like many other people do. __15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life? Without a doubt, the ocean. Ever since I was a child I’ve been absolutely captivated by it. Watching it instantly makes me feel calm and safe. __16.__When and where were you happiest? Sitting on the beach with my partner in California. It was cold and there was sand in my shoes, but despite my physical discomfort, I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier than having their arms around me as we stare at the sea. __17.__Which talent would you most like to have? I think the talent I would most like to have is graphic design. I love art and am a very visual person, but I myself do not at all have an eye for making things look neat and appealing. __18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I’ve struggled with wanting to change myself for my entire life and I’m now at a point where the possibility of changing who I am is something I refuse to entertain. While I will always try to continue to better myself as a person, it is pointless to want to change things that make me fundamentally me. __19.__What do you consider your greatest achievement? Learning how to drive and driving as much as I currently do. I know it’s nothing special, but it’s something I struggled with a lot. __20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? I would like to be born as a frog. They are one of my favorite animals and just seem so peaceful. __21.__Where would you most like to live? I would like to live near the ocean and with someone I love. __22.__What is your most treasured possession? My favorite stuffed animal that I got when I was a baby. I would freak out if I ever lost it. __23.__What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? High school. Both my own experience in high school as well as high school in general. It’s a miserable place and time in one’s life. __24.__What is your favorite occupation? The job I would want the most is to be a marine biologist. I don’t think this is something that could happen, but it is the ideal job to me. __25.__What is your most marked characteristic? I think my passion. I jump in wholeheartedly with the things I care about and people say they can really tell how much I love them when I talk about them. __26.__What do you most value in your friends? I really value friends who are understanding. It feels awful to be in a friendship where you’re afraid they will get mad at you or judge you for things you can’t control. __27.__Who are your favorite writers? My favorite author is Ryohgo Narita. His writing is originally in Japanese, but even through the translations the beauty of his writing comes across. He writes about the mundane and extraordinary coming together, with the real world magic of coincidence combining with actual magic. __28.__Who is your hero of fiction? Percy Jackson, from the Percy Jackson books. I really admire the way he overcomes not only struggles with outside forces, but with himself. __29.__Which historical figure do you most identify with? I don’t think I can think of one. __30.__Who are your heroes in real life? __31.__What are your favorite names? Nate is a name I chose for myself, so probably Nate. __32.__What is it that you most dislike? The feeling in my stomach when I wake up in the morning. I used to be fantastic at waking up, even early, but lately I feel sick in the morning. I can’t stand it. __33.__What is your greatest regret? Not trying to get more out of therapy when I was in high school. My fear of opening up really kept me from getting more help that I needed. __34.__How would you like to die? I think I just don’t want it to be painful. Otherwise, I haven’t given it much thought. __35.__What is your motto? I don’t think I have a motto per se, but my favorite quote is “Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.” I think going through life treasuring the magic of the world, as well as trying to control your own fate is a very special message. |
nate horanThis blog is a documentation of my exploration as I come into contact with my writer's self. ArchivesCategories |